A former flame used to say to me: "When you notice that the same things are presenting themselves at various points in your current life that's a sign that the world is imploding (i.e.: a song that you haven't heard in 20 years finds you twice in one day ... four times in a week!) ."
That may be the only thing that I was able to take away from that relationship. Hindsight: he was boring.
i digress . . .
I am reminded of his theory because i have recently been bombarded with the idea of gender neutrality.
I guess there has been a bug in the back of my head for years; dating back to an Ani concert a few years ago; she got on one of her [beloved] soapboxes re: femanism = humanism. I began realizing that I may, in fact, be a feminist. And I began questioning if feminism is/was ever truly a proponent of protecting and advocating for all thing femanine or if was actually about protecting and advocating for all things human (including all things feminine). In grander terms, it's an attempt to preserve all things feminine while at the same time seperating them from that of sex and sexuality: androgeny.
Fast forward three years. I find that i am advocating on behalf of a transgendered female at work. I don't know how it happened, but rather than get into specifics about the whole Jackie situation, i will ultimately remember it as a time of collossal understanding and open-mindedness. I found within myself an untapped reserve of energy; that inner resevoir that bubbles to the top when a just cause presents itself.
So i did what any scholar does ... i read.
Let me paint a picture for you: Walking through your local Barnes&Noble, you glance down the isle containing 'Women's Studies' and see a man sitting on the floor surrounded by femanist literture. (>GASP!<) Like every grrl that passed and gave me a seething glance that day, I was in awe of finding myself there. I just kind of wandered into that section after finding myself reading tons (TONS!) of new stuff on the web that wasn't about HIV, music, or porn.
And every day since i am reminded that we are conditioned as a society to associate sex and sexuality and gender. The simplest example is restrooms. Men. Women. No questions asked. Well ... do you see the problem with this? If you are a product of society, I'm sure that you see no issue with saying : "I'm a woman, I pee with other women. Follow rules of the external anatomy." That makes sense only in the sphere that gender, sex, and sexuality are all one in the same.
And they are not. Take a look around:
---a man wearing eyeliner holding hands with his girlfriend
---a woman wearing jeans and white t-shirt. no boyfriend. no girlfriend. married to her job.
---two women. holding hands. between them they share a wardrobe, makeup, shoes, and a four year old daughter.
---a woman. a lesbian. born a man.
---a man (heterosexual). on his way home to his wife who feels most comfortable in men's clothes.
It makes me question why masculinity and feminine are seen as opposites. And the disturbing thing is that those things/actions that are deemed femme are lower on the desirablity scale (or at the very least open to more scrutiny).
This whole thing came to a head for me tonight when talking with a young man who is beginning to come out to his family and friends. All of the fears that he is having are the same that i was having when i came out 4 years ago. At the root of it all, I was having an inner struggle with the fear that my masculinity would seem comprised; that everyone would no longer see me as a man, but look only at that which is femme.
Is this making any sense?
I realize now, and was able to convey this to my friend: sexuality has nothing to do with the idea of gender (masc., femme, or otherwise).
I have no answer to his dilema -- i can't force gay men to stop ating effeminate, but i can stop buying into thee notion that gay men are queens and lesbians are butch - that men are masculine and women femanine. If I can make an effort to show that the two are seperate in my psyche, then hopefully that will translate into the way others see my belief that this connection is completely false and created as a safety tool for a dangerously masculine society.
